I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
