yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
