Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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