I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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