Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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