Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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