Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So squirting runs in the family.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
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