i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Please don't give away my fajitas
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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