you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
