i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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