They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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