my phone needs a breathalizer
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
