I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
