false alarm. still invincible.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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