We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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