Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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