I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
