The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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