Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
just tell him i said nine months
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
