dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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