so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
