Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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