I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
