Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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