I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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