she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
