Best friends brother. Beat that.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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