she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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