If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
