The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
