Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
