Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
