i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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