she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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