HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
