chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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