Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
