I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
two words...techno handjob
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
