He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
