He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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