Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
