I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
