i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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