threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
