i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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