peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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