She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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