I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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