some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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