my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
