Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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