My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
