I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Randomize
