ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Randomize
