i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Randomize
