my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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