Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
