Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
