I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
