i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
